Introducing Our BDSM Contributing Writer

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby! covers many areas of sexuality, and BDSM is no exception.  As a contributor to this site, and your source of BDSM content, I will do my best to present the issues regarding BDSM from a broad and factual perspective, covering the various kinks and issues involved. 

ADVERTISEMENT
Adam & Eve 300x250

My name is Greg R. and I have been into BDSM formally for 20 years, but I have been into kink for as long as I’ve been sexually active.  My earliest sexual memory was of watching a woman tied up and struggling.  I was hooked immediately.  I played with rope and spanking throughout my teenage years, all while my fantasies grew more complex and hardcore.  I needed more.

I played with my first masochist at the age of 23.  She was ten years older, and not really a submissive… except to me.  Domination came naturally to me, and she naturally fell into the submissive role when I played with her.  That was lesson one: submissives, for the most part, do not submit to just anyone.  It depends on your level of confidence, skill, and willingness (and ability) to fulfill your partner.  I had so much more to learn, though.  She was forgiving, simply by virtue of the fact that she had extreme limits; she really didn’t care about her safety, and I was a bit reckless.  I was lucky I didn't cause her any permanent damage.   

People in the lifestyle sometimes benefit from communities, where they can learn safety and technique from experienced people.   These communities offer classes and demonstrations, as well as social gatherings in safe places.  There are downsides.   Some established groups believe that their way is the “one true way.”  Some are almost cult-like.  Some tend to snub outsiders—and they are right to be cautious.  Predators like to attempt to infiltrate the BDSM community, thinking that submissives are easy prey.  New dominants sometimes get on ego trips, and it shows.  New submissives come in without a clue.  Entering into one of these communities should be done with respect and deference, but don’t fall into the trap of believing that there is “one true way”—there isn’t.   

For example, there is a belief in some communities that you must be a slave and work your way up to Master; you must earn your title from the community.  I, for one, would not feel comfortable in the slave role, and while I respect people with a lot of experience, I will not submit to any of them, for any reason.   

There are some people who believe you have to be a switch to have a true understanding of both sides.  I don’t believe you have to submit to understand how to dominate, or dominate in order to learn how to submit.  I think you can learn enough about reaction and communication to be good in one role or the other without switching.  

There are some who believe that all submissives should submit to all dominants.  That’s ridiculous on its face.  Even if you’ve earned your place in a community, your play style might not mesh with every submissive’s.  Your personalities might clash.  I think you earn your title from your submissive, not from your peers or a social group.

I say this, with my 20 years of experience in the lifestyle: do what makes you feel comfortable, and avoid anything that doesn’t.   

I tried the communities a long time ago, and I learned a bit from them, but I mostly learned from individuals over the years, or by trial and error.  The communities in Ohio 17-20 years ago simply weren’t for me (“one true way” folks), so I did whatever I could on my own.  I read ravenously, and watched videos (not porn, but videos of actual demonstrations).  I researched safety and kinks.  I learned from submissives who have played with experienced dominants.   One thing I know from all of this learning is that it never stops…but you do not need to be involved in a BDSM cult to learn it. 

Currently, I am married to the woman who pledged her service to me as my slave.  She bears my mark on her back—a tattoo of my design.  We have a contract (something I will write about soon since many people don’t understand why, we who have contracts, do them) and a set of rules for her to follow.  The contract formalizes the hard limits and basic ground rules of our Master/slave relationship.   She is a submissive, a masochist, and into the 1950s housewife role. 

My past includes experience as a sadist with masochists, a dominant with submissives, character role play (professor/student, doctor/patient, vampire/victim), consensual non-consent, discipline, restraints, edge play, and many tools and toys.   

Feel free to ask any questions you may have.