Everyone has things which drive them nuts when having sex... or at least I think everyone does. Shit, maybe it's just me. It could just be that I'm an asshole and the little things you do while you and I are fucking around get on my nerves. Who knows? Some of the shit people do, though, while having sex, makes me wonder if they have any experience with doing these things. Well, some people don't have any experience, or limited experience. I give them a pass. But people who have been having sex for years should know better. Of course, there's always the possibility that I'm the problem, rather than them, but in the interest of my mental well-being, I'm going to say it's them, not me. So, here's a list of my sexual pet-peeves, in no particular order, other than this is the order in which they came to mind:
- Reciprocal Fucking: This is when you decide that you're going to start trying to fuck me while I'm already fucking you. You basically start thrusting when I am already doing it. The problem with this is that it never gets in sync. I'll try to thrust as you pull away and we end up getting nowhere, and eventually you make my cock pop out. You pulling away as I thrust just makes us look like undulating wacky waving, inflatable, arm flailing tube men used to draw attention to an automobile dealership. Just fucking hold still and let me do my job. If you want to do the work, that's fine, I guess, but it generally doesn't work if I'm the one penetrating you.
- Tugging Rather than Stroking: I don't know where you got the idea that attempting to detach my cock from my body by pulling on it would feel good, but you've been severely misinformed. Loosen up your damn grip and let your hand slide over my cock. A light grip works great. If you want to grasp it like you need it to keep you in your seat while on a ride at the county fair, then maybe we should use some lube. I've narrowed down who the culprits are, who do this, and it seems to be uncut men. My dick is cut, but a guy with an uncut cock is used to having this floppy loose skin all around their dick which they can move up and down with ease. My parents and the doctor who yanked me from my mom's womb decided I shouldn't get to keep that part, so there's no loose skin to move up and down. You need to adjust your stroke accordingly.
- Pre-Fucking Cleanup Prep: Look, you knew we were going to be fucking. Do you think that perhaps you might have taken a few minutes to clean-up, inside and out, before we got together. I don't particularly care for the smell of shit wafting up as I'm fucking you, nor pulling out a brown cock. I get that sometimes people aren't prepared for backdoor shenanigans, but, if you're not ready then say something.
- Presumptive Dominance: Don't assume that because I am sucking your cock that I want you to ram it down my throat, or that I want you to grab my head and face fuck me. Some guys are into that; I am not. I very much am not. If you do that, I will end things on the spot. It's alright to test the waters, and place a hand on my head, or maybe move your hips a bit to give me an indicator of what you're looking to do so that I can stop you before you do it. But if you just do it without checking with me first, it feels a little rape-like.
- Sloppy Kisses: If my face is wet, after kissing you, as if a dog was licking my face, then perhaps you need to have some more mouth control and some more focus on where you are placing your mouth. Kissing is kind of like playing the mirror game, assuming that's what that game is called. In a mirror game, you and your playmate are standing across from one another, and facing each other, you both behave as though you are looking into a mirror. You try to mirror each other's movements. Neither one of you is making all of the initial moves, and neither one of you is always trying to copy the other. It's a constant switch off, which could happen several times per minute. You'll start to raise your hand, and I'll raise mine to mirror yours, but then I'll slowly start to turn my hand, and you'll mirror that movement. Such is the case with kissing. You should be taking cues from one another as to what you should be doing, and maybe find a middle ground. So, if you're the sort who likes to do slobbery kisses, and your partner is trying to keep things contained, maybe you should start to contain yourself a bit. If you're the type that likes to be contained, and your partner is giving you a tongue bath, then maybe you could try being a little less contained, and give a bit of tongue... Find that happy middle ground. Please don't swallow my face.
- Non-Reciprocal Oral: I know you love getting head, but maybe you could return the favor once in a while? Or at least put as much effort into it as I am putting into giving it to you. So damn often I will go to town on a guy's Johnson, for, say, ten minutes, and then he'll want a taste of mine, so, I'll whip out my junk, he'll spend three minute on it, and then sit back and expect me to get back to sucking him. Like, really? I had to get undressed for that? Look, if you don't want to reciprocate, that's sometimes quite alright, as long as I know ahead of time that that's what the deal is gonna be. If you just expect me to get you off, and have no intention of returning the favor, or you're just gonna slobber on my cock just enough to get me going, and then leave me hanging, you're kind of a dick. Be upfront about what you want, and don't expect things if you aren't willing to do the same. Fair enough? Consider yourself lucky you're getting any, dammit.
- Protection & Lube Expectations: I do often have protection and lube with me. I have sex often enough that it's just a good idea to be prepared. It's surprising to me how many guys will invite me over and expect me to bring these things. It's a bit of a red flag, actually. Clearly they're willing to hookup, so it's not like this is their first time doing this. But do they always expect the other guy to bring these items? How common is it for guys to have these things on hand at all times? I can only imagine that most guys that they invite over do not come prepared, and they bareback, and use spit as lube. I'd be lying to say that I haven't barebacked, but I don't make it a regular practice. I would also hope that others aren't. But, look, we're all sexual people, so there's no excuse for any of us to be unprepared. That goes for men and women, and in the case of The Gays, it goes for the top and the bottom in the situation. Stop expecting the other person to come prepared. But you, as the other person, should be prepared, just in case the nitwit you're about to fuck, isn't.
- Dirty Talk: I know I'm in the minority, here, but dirty talk just makes me giggle. I can't do it. It sounds stupid and forced to me. Asking me how much I love your cock while I have a mouthful of cock is kind of stupid and counterproductive. Now I have to stop what I was doing, which I was enjoying doing, to tell you that I'm enjoying it. I think it should have been apparent, already. Also, I often see in porn, though rarely in real life, people screaming "Fuck me! Fuck me!" while in the process of actively being fucked. I can't help it. That just sounds so stupid that I want to scream back, "He is! He is!" And, again, I know I'm in the minority, here. A lof of people love the dirty talk. I just can't do it. You can all mark this up as your pet-peeve about what I do... or, rather, don't do.
I could probably list a few more, but no more are coming to me at the moment. Besides, this is getting a little lengthy, so it's probably best to just cut it off here. What are your pet-peeves? Comment below!