The Nitty Gritty of a Shitty Finger

On October 5th, 2014, I had one of the worst hookups I've ever had. The guy had pissed me off so much that even thinking about it now, it still pisses me off. Once in a while I drive by the asshole's apartment building, and I mutter and grumble to myself, cursing his name. Well, I would, you know, if I knew his name. 

For starters, when he opened the door, I noticed that his profile photo, and actual appearance were somewhat different. That's always a big downer. Now, I realize I'm a big bald dude, but I'm not into other bald dudes. No offense to other bald dudes. Some people find you sexy, much like they find me sexy. I'm just not really into it. I can overlook it sometimes. But I prefer to know ahead of time. This time, I felt mislead. He hid it in his profile pics. Alright, fine... moving on. 

We get into his apartment unit and his dogs are barking up a storm. They've got a stranger in the apartment and they're both locked up in little cages. I walked over to them and tried to make friendly with them and say "hi" so they knew that I'm cool and get to know me. Meanwhile, he's screaming at them to "SHUT UP!" He was far more annoying that the barking dogs. The dogs would have been fine soon enough, and they were. Stop screaming at them, ya fucker!

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So, we get to the sexy time... well, semi sexy time. I'm actually not all that into him, cause he's slightly drunk, and a douche to his dogs, and his profile pics were a lie. I should have just left, but I try to be a trooper. I have no idea why. I really need to stop trying to spare other people's feelings at the cost of my own mental well-being.

We go over to his bed, he laid down, I started to suck him off, and it was one of those cases where he was trying to fuck my face. I hate that so much. Just let me do my thing. Okay?

On top of that, he was trying to hold my head in place. Now, I get that some guys like to do this, and some men and women like to have their head held down while their face is fucked. I get extremely uncomfortable with that, it feels very rape-like, to me, and I feel too submissive and out of control when that happens. I hate it. So, when that happens I pull away as a rather not-so-subtle, yet still not verbal, clue that I'm not cool with that.

He doesn't get the hint. Okay, so, since it seems apparent that that's what he wants to continue to do, I switch to just stroking him, and I shove a finger not-so-gingerly up his ass. It was mildly passive-aggressive, but it doesn't matter, he was into it. There's a lesson to be learned here, and I'll throw it in at the end, like the moral of the story you'd see in some old Saturday Morning cartoon, in the 80's.

I continued churning his butter and pushing his butt button and eventually his cum dispenser blows its load. Yippee... I'm done with his ass. I then get up, finger extended, and ask where I can wash up, am pointed in the general direction of the kitchen sink where I wash up, dry my hands, and make a little small talk as I head toward the door to leave...

But noooooo!

He recently read this article that said, if your hookup immediately washes their hands after hooking up with you it means they think you're disgusting. He tells me this and I give him this incredulous look and, dumbfounded, remind him that my finger was just up his ass! And I have a ways to drive home! I don't want to drive home with a shitty finger. I feel like it's reasonable to not want to drive home with a shitty finger. Correct me if you, dear reader, feel otherwise.

He then started repeating what I was saying in a mocking tone. What the fuck? First, I'm guessing this article was about straight couples and probably had no mention of ass play. It was probably some "Cosmopolitan" article about simply having sex, and then washing your hands, and the secret meaning behind that. Second, how low does your fucking self esteem have to be that you decide what people think of you based on their hand washing habits and an article's interpretation of what the hand washing means?

I'm so sorry your pride can't handle that I don't want to maintain a relationship with your shit for an hour long drive home. It's not me, it's you... and your shit!

The fucking lessons to be learned here, and there are a few, actually, are learn to just run the other way when the red flags start waving. Don't worry about hurting their feelings. I swear, every fucking time I've worried about hurting their feelings, and tried to stick it out, I ended up regretting it. So, they had a good time, at the expense of my dignity, patience, and mental health. Fuck that! The other lesson to be learned, if you happen to be dumb enough to ignore the red flags, of if there weren't any (lucky you!) is to tell your partner when they're doing something you really don't like. I tried the subtle route, which was fine, so as to not kill the mood. But when he didn't take the hint, I should have been more blunt and told him to knock off the face fucking. 

The final lesson to be learned, here, and this could be the most important one ever: If you're ever with some douche-bag, who lies on his profile pics, yells at his caged up dogs to shut up, and then tries to face fuck you against your will, and you get gritty-ass shit on your finger from finger fucking that fucker, you go ahead and just wipe your finger off on his white sheets. Just wipe them off like your scrubbing brown paint off of your hands, using his fucking bedding. Maybe he won't be so much of a dick to the next sucker unfortunate enough to cross his threshold and put his finger in his back door.