"Oh, my God, you stink!" - Sexy Hygiene

You're about to get down to some sexy times with your significant (or insignificant) other but before you do, there are a few concerns that need to be addressed. See, you stink. You don't know it, or maybe you don't want to admit it, but you do. You're gross. No, really, you are. Ick. No one is going to want to fuck you in your current state unless they're into some dirty, rank, nasty sex... And, you know, some people are into that, so, if that's their thing, then I guess you're good to go. But, let's be realistic, they're not into that. 

So, let's just do a quick check, just to see how disgusting you are, shall we? Just for shits and giggles, and mostly because I want to see if you'll do it while you're reading this while sitting in the middle of Starbucks. Wait, why are you reading this in the middle of Starbucks? Anyways, so, go ahead and take your favorite hand, and shove it down your pants, and take a finger or two and run it right between your leg and your junk. Now, pull it back out and give it a good whiff. Did you want to vomit? Yes? Well, so will the person whose face will be down there in a little while, so you need to go home and clean up. NOW!

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Personally, I start out by trimming up and shaving down in my nether-regions. I do this dry because it works best for me. What works for you, I don't fucking know. Try different things and see what works. When I try to shave my balls in the shower I end up missing half of the hair somehow, and since I don't have my glasses on, I don't know until I'm out of the shower. Plus, with my gut, I kind of need to sit down to shave. I can't exactly provide a tutorial on this shit because everyone likes things sculpted differently down there. So, you're on your own on that. I will say this much though: Shave with the direction of hair growth; not against it. You'll regret ignoring this advice. 

When it comes to cleaning your nethers, you need to make sure you get all of your bits and pieces clean. You'd think I wouldn't have to tell you this, but some of you fools don't seem to understand this. How do I know? Because I've been down in your crotch, and you smell like someone just pulled your lifeless body up out of a sewer! What, the fuck is wrong with you?!

So, for your penis-having people, you need to pull back your foreskin, if you still have your turtleneck on your Johnson. If you don't, you can sit this part out, and just stare at your dick for a moment, or flick at it and watch it twitch, while I talk to the turtleneck boys. I'll be with the rest of you in a moment. So, turtleneckers, you need to yank that foreskin back and clean all of that gunk out of there. Use some nice gentle soap, so you don't get any irritations and stuff, and just get all of that pecker snot out of there. Then pull your cock collar back up to its normal position, and call them other boys over, if they aren't too distracted with their penis flicking adventures. 

Now that all of the penis-havers are back together, lets all scrub really well behind the balls and all the way back to the asshole. Yes, that whole area. That seam where you were sewn together after they shoved all of your stuffing inside of you. You want to make sure all of that is clean because that's where all of your sweat builds up. Now, sure, some sweat smell is alright - pheromones and all. But right now you are washing off the rank and funk. Your manly smells will return pretty quickly after bathing. Don't worry. 

Next, you need to clean the back porch. Spread them cheeks and get your hands up betwixt them, and scrub away. You can even go a little way into the door, just to be extra sure you're clean, but I don't recommend getting soap too far up there. You'll be farting bubbles later. That would be difficult to explain. 

Oh, hold on, I'm hearing some whining and objecting from a few of you guys... Huh? What's that? Oh, you're straight you're not worried about your ass because no one is going near it. Got it. Well, I'm gay, and don't bottom, and no one is going near my ass either... unless they're giving me head, in which case they'll be about a foot away from my ass. Sometimes just a few inches from it. So, if you want someone to be paying a visit to your front porch, you should make sure the back door is clean too, just in case. You don't want any carry-over, rank smells. Right?

Now, be sure and wash the rest of yourself... and, pardon my insensitivity here, but, well, some of us larger fellas, and I don't mean well-endowed, have a few spare tires. Right? If you have a belly that's hanging over your package, or you have some rolls of fat, be sure and give them a good scrubbing in between as well. Stop being all offended and just do as your told. I'm trying to help you out, here. You know you have the fat rolls. I know you have them. Let's not pretend they're not there. Let's just deal with them. Okay? Okay. 

Moving on over to the vulva-having people... You are gonna have it a bit easier, because you don't have to deal with that whole cock and balls business, but you still need to make sure all of your bits and pieces are pretty and sparkling. You still have that clitoral hood to deal with, which you can pull back and scrub around, and get between all the little flappy things and stuff. I don't know. Whatever it is that women have down there. Just use some gentle soap, like I told the guys to use, so you don't have harsh chemicals irritating things down there. You also don't want soap getting up inside you and throwing off your pH balance, which, from what I hear, can start wars in your vagina, or something. The Acids and The Bases start going at it with their little knives and guns... and pew, pew, pew. 

What?

Oh, and vulva-havers have that whole thing with the menstrual cycle and shit. That's gotta be a bitch. I don't know what you do about that to make yourself feel pretty if you're about to have sex. I suppose if the guy, or gal, you're gonna fuck around with doesn't give a shit about your period, then you don't need to worry about it much. Otherwise, maybe wait until you're not on your period. Or get on birth control, if you can, so you can stop your period almost completely. I'd be all over that, if I was a vulva-bearer. 

Shaving for vulva-people... you're totally on your own with that, too. I have no idea how you do that. I can't see around my belly to shave my junk. You have tits in your way. How you manage to shave without lopping off a labia is beyond me. But, as I told the penis-bearers, shave with the direction of hair growth; not against it. Ingrown hairs are not only uncomfortable, but they look like you've got crotch acne after a day or two. No one wants crotch acne. 

Oh, don't douche. I know there used to be all of those commercials in the 1980's telling you that your vagina was a huge cesspool and was stinking up the room. Well, it turns out that they were just trying to sell you shit that you didn't need. If you have some stinking going on, cleaning the outside of your vulva, rather than the vagina, and some dietary changes might help. I'll let you Google that on your own, though.  

Next, like the penis-havers, you need to scrub betwixt your legs, in the seam where they crammed your stuffing (perineum) and your ass-crack, and maybe even in the hole a bit... but not too far in. Again, we don't want you farting bubbles. Also, now that you've cleaned your ass with that rag, don't use it to clean your vagina. Actually, don't use it to clean anything else, either. That's gross. Clean your ass last! Same thing for the penis-havers. Don't be spreading your ass filth all over your body. 

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For both penis and vulva having people, you can anally douche if you think any backdoor shenanigans might take place. You can buy little bulb squirty things at your local pharmacy, or even get regular anal douches. You can also buy them at adult stores, like ExtremeRestraints.com (I recommend that last one, because it might put a dime or two in my pocket, if you use the link. [hint, hint, nudge, nudge]).  Just spray some warm water up inside you, repeatedly, until the water starts coming out clear and you feel like you're clean. If you're not certain, you may want to put a finger up their to check. If you're squeamish about putting a finger up there, remember, in a few hours, someone else's finger may be up there. Would you rather you find the mess, or they do? Yeah, that's what I thought. 

I also need to address your nasty habit. I know you love that fucking cigarette but seriously, you have no idea how much it affects your smell in every way. Your clothes stink of it. Your body stinks of it. Your breath especially stinks of it. And when you blow your load in someone's mouth, your cum tastes of it. Blech! What can you do? Well, try not to smoke so much before your date. Brush your teeth just beforehand, and take some mints with you, or those little mint strip things, so that you can pop one in later. Wash your clothes often, and be absolutely sure to wear clean clothes for your date. If at all possible, do not smoke while wearing those clothes just before the date. 

Okay, yes, that is a bit of overkill, but you get the idea. And not everyone is as thrown off by the cigarette smell as I am. And even I'm not always that repulsed by it. But every once in a while, you run into someone who smells BAD and how do you know if you're one of the ones that smells okay, or if you're one of the ones that's making paint peel off of the walls? Do you think your friends are gonna tell you? Fuck no, they're outside smoking with you. So, err on the side of caution. 

If your date is another smoker, then you can probably ignore most of that shit. Except the brushing of the teeth part. 

Everyone, brush your teeth. Brush at least twice a day, and do it once more just before your date, or "date." There might be kissing and you want your breath to smell fresh; not like the tuna fish sandwich you had for lunch earlier. Also, don't eat a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. Ever. I can't stand the smell of tuna. Gross. This is my personal request to you. Yuck! NEVER eat tuna fish.

Lastly, someone tell me if that pineapple juice thing actually makes semen taste better. 

By the way, this was mostly written for fun. Don't take this as solid advice and get all whiny and pissy if I missed something, or if it wasn't fair and balanced. I'm a gay dude who's never seen a vagina up close and personal, well, except briefly on a trans-dude, but I didn't inspect his, so, I don't know if I can count that. So, if you read this and didn't get a giggle, re-read the fucker and laugh this time, you uptight piece of shit.