You often hear about premature ejaculation and impotence, but it seems like you rarely hear about an inability to cum at all. Well, not at all, as if it never happens, but just being unable to do so at times. Sadly, this is one of my problems.
I haven't been able to narrow down all of the causes for this, in myself. My delayed ejaculation doesn't happen all the time, but often enough that it's a problem for me, and often a problem for other guys that I'm having sex with, as they feel like this is somehow their fault, or they're simply disappointed in the lack of cum being blasted on their face. I try to assure them that this is a fairly regular occurrence for me, but that doesn't really do a lot of good in assuaging their concerns.
I partly blame this problem on my age. Being 44, it seems like some things don't work quite as well as I'd like. Since most of my bed partners tend to be younger, in their 20's or 30's, they don't quite get that the equipment is no longer in peak performance for me.
One thing that does seem to cause me to be unable to orgasm is something which I believe happens to nearly every guy from time to time. If there is a lot of foreplay and making out, with lots of genital stimulation stopping and starting, over time, it seems like my penis just gets temperamental and decides it's going to punish me for teasing it for so long. This is what happened on a recent encounter, where the very attractive guy and I were making out, cuddling, touching, sucking, and everything else that comes with this, but we weren't actually engaging in full-on sex. Well, oral sex is sex, but it was more like brief instances of head, and then going back to making out. This all resulted in me being unable to cum when the time... came.
There could be a couple of causes in that above scenario. It could be that I felt too much pressure to cum because he was starting to ask me if I was getting close. A few times I had to stop orally pleasing him because he was about to cum, and he seemed to want me to do so first. The other likely cause is that I was just erect for too long. Maybe if it had gone flaccid and made a triumphant return, that would have relieved some of the pressure on my member long enough for it to recuperate. I honestly don't know.
I think, for me, the biggest barrier to me blowing my load is if I feel pressure to do so. This sucks, as the time you most want to be able to cum is when your partner wants you to do so. "Are you getting close?" is a phrase which almost always completely resets me, causing my orgasm to postpone to a frustratingly late point, ultimately, often causing me to give up completely and tell my partner that he should feel free to cum at will.
I always feel bad when I can't make it happen. It doesn't bother me that I can't cum but, instead, bothers me that I can't provide that moment for my partner. There's something satisfying and erotic about seeing your bed partner ejaculating. It's the most obvious demonstration of a job well done. The guys I'm with, just don't always get to have that experience of watching me cum.
In order for me to ejaculate, I have to feel no pressure to do so. This sometimes means that I'll have to tell a guy not to ask me if I'm about to cum. I also sometimes have to set their expectations at a reasonable level. If they want me to splatter my man juice in their face, well, that might not be possible. I'll do what I can, but sometimes that lengthy wait, with their face right in front of my cock, as I stroke for a good 15 minutes, gets a bit tiring for both of us.
I used to think that my ability to ejaculate had something to do with the attractiveness of the guy I was with. Like I would feel self-conscious around a very hot guy and that would make my dick feel insecure and unworthy. But that's since been proven false. It's fairly arbitrary, as it pertains to the attractiveness of my partner.
It could, however, be related to my rapport with my partner. If I'm insecure, that may cause a hindrance. If I feel like I have to work to impress the guy, my mind is not entirely on the job at hand. I'm not concentrating on my own enjoyment, then, but rather, on his. My cock might as well not even be there; it's completely out of mind. Also, if we are incompatible in some way, enjoying different styles of fucking, for instance, that could cause a problem. A guy who likes being verbally abused and smacked around might find that I'm unable to cum. Again, I'm concentrating more on giving him what he wants. I'm not particularly into verbal and physical abuse, feeling a bit uncomfortable doing it though I'm getting better at it. When you're not comfortable, that's not conducive to achieving orgasm.
I do enjoy some rather vigorous fucking and when I'm able to do that, and also, change my pace, speeding up, slowing down, harder, faster, etc., at my chosen pace, then I'm able to cum. Basically, I need to be in control. It works better when my partner is completely passive when it comes to fucking, at least. Orally, that's a whole different matter. I sometimes have to tell a guy that, unless he really, really loves sucking cock, it's probably best he doesn't try to suck me off. It's gonna take a long time. When I'm lucky, I get one of those guys who doesn't bitch about his jaw hurting. The problem with oral, though, is that it seems like no guy can go with one technique long enough for me to cum. Invariably, they're going at it, and I feel like I'm getting close, and they stop and switch things up. I'll often tell them to keep doing what they're doing, but they often ignore me.
My penis is very picky about the kinds of stimulation it likes. You have to give it the right pressure, in the right way, and for the right length of time, or it will get stubborn and simply shut down. It's for this reason that I'm often more interested in getting my partner off than I am, getting myself off. I need to learn to relax, enjoy the moment, not worry about whether or not I cum, and just have fun. If only relaxing was easy for me to do.