What To Do When Your Partner Reveals An Interest In Kink

I’ve heard the story told time and time again: a person has fantasies about kink and desires involving kink, but a partner who doesn’t know.  When this person reveals these desires and fantasies to the significant other, the label, “freak”, gets thrown around.  There’s something wrong with the kinky person.  “You must have been abused as a child.”  “I was raised not to hit people.”  “What kind of sick person tortures people/wants to be tortured?”  This negativity is the wrong way to respond to your sexual partner’s honesty.

Don’t shame them

Kink is very much a part of what makes up your significant other’s sex drive.  The desires may be relatively new, but more often than not, at least one or a few of those unusual desires have been there since they were children.  I knew I had the proclivities of a sadist at nine years old, though I didn’t know the word.  My wife enjoyed watching situations of helplessness, fear, and torture from an early age, and wanted to be bound and spanked before she ever really explored the world of kink.  Many other people in the kink community have offered that their kinky nature became apparent long before they were sexually active. 


Try opening your mind

No one should expect you to do anything you are not willing to do, but at least research kinks and try to understand them.  You might find something you could enjoy.

Once you’ve done your research, see if exploration can bring you into your partner’s world.  It’s a creative one that can provide some really intense experiences.  If you can’t, you can’t.  If it doesn’t turn you on, it’s not for you.  

If you’re open to the possibility, you could let your partner explore kink with other people.  Open relationships and poly situations aren’t for everyone, but if it works for you, it might be better for your relationship.  It might also do damage to it, so communicate with your partner, get in touch with your insecurities (if you have them), and be honest.  Don’t get into that sort of situation if you have a lot of doubts and know you can’t handle it.  

Evaluate your relationship

If all else fails with the kink exploration, you will want to have an open and honest discussion on how important kink is to sexual intimacy, and if there’s enough going on in the rest of the relationship that the kink doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter as much to some people as others.  If it does matter, and your partner can’t stop thinking about it, it might be best to part ways.  

The best case scenario is that you find common ground in the world of kink, and you end up exploring things you never even thought were sexual.  At worst, you move on to a relationship where the sex exists in your comfort zone, and your significant other finds someone who provides fulfillment.  No matter what happens, it’s best not to be dismissive.  After all, you got together for (hopefully) good reasons.  It would be a shame if sexual openness and creativity killed everything else about the relationship