Please Be Able to Hold a Conversation

I see it written on people's online profiles all the fucking time! They insist that people be able to carry on a conversation, yet they, themselves, have the conversational skills of a scarecrow. And I don't mean the one on the way to Oz. 

I have a few problems with this. Oh, by the way, the above isn't a conversation that I had. It's one that was sent to me by a friend, and he asked me to blur the guy's face and screen name. Ordinarily, I'm kind of a dick and just post it with their face and screen name intact. Anyways, the problem I have with this is that, well, it's somewhat condescending, for one thing; it implies that he is a master conversationalist and that you peons are mostly incapable of talking to him. But the few plebes who may be able to string a sentence together might be permitted to speak with him. The thing is, though, that he sucks at communicating. 

Now, I'll give him a little bit of credit, since I can see that there are some time gaps between the messages, and from personal experience, after a gap in the conversation, it's awkward to answer the question that was sent 12 hours ago, or something. So, you start fresh with a "Hey." It's lazy, but it gets the job done. 

I've seen numerous conversations like this, though, where there weren't any lengthy gaps between messages. They simply sucked at chatting, and when you see in their profile that they insist that you be able to carry on a conversation, you kind of want to slap them across the face. I think what they actually want is for you to carry the conversation for them while they lazily reply with one or two words. (It's difficult to type in full sentences while you're holding your dick.)

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Condomania

Another pet-peeve of mine - and I've probably mentioned this, before, in other postings - are people who tell you how you are allowed to talk to them. They give guidelines on what you can and can't say to them when you message them. To me, these people are way too high maintenance, and I oftentimes will just block them on sight. I don't have time for that asshole-like behavior. They'll tell you not to say, "Hey," "Hi," "Hello," or "Sup?" to them, in their profile and all I can do is roll my eyes. 

The thing is, conversations usually start with a greeting. I am not about to invest a whole bunch of my time, crafting a beautiful essay of a message to anyone unless there's a good chance of them replying. Knowing the odds of me getting a reply, the chances are slim. And, really, if you were to approach some hot guy or gal in a bar or club, would you launch into a monolog for them, or would you start with "Hello"? You'd probably look like a nut if you started rambling on about your hobbies and such. If the person had no interest in you, whatsoever, then you'd feel like an absolute fool when you were done blathering on, as they stared at you, unblinking, and told you to fuck off. 

See, my assumption, when you insist that I not say any of the above typical greetings, is that you are incapable of carrying on a conversation. If I receive a "Hello" from someone, and I'm actually interested in talking to that person, I can turn that into a full-fledged conversation after an exchange of just a few messages. It's incredibly easy. I even have a simple formula which works quite well, as long as the other person is responsive and at least kind of uses the same formula. 

The Simple Formula is just this: 

  1. Start with a question: "How are you doing?"
  2. Respond to their answer, which is also hopefully followed by a question of their own, and follow your answer to that with another question. - "I'm doing well, thanks. What are you up to?

Now, this formula depends on your chat partner adhering to the same formula. They'd have to answer your question and follow up with a question of their own. If they don't stick to that formula, then you have to resort to Plan B.

Plan B (Continuing from the failure of the simple formula):

  1. Respond to their answer, which didn't have a question following it, by acknowledging their response, and asking another question: "Glad to hear you're doing well. So, what are you up to?"
  2. Receive their answer and repeat: "Oh, you're setting your house on fire just to watch it burn? Hmm... Okay. Well, that sounds interesting. Did you at least let the cats out first?"

If you have to resort to Plan B, it might be a bad sign. This person may either suck at chatting, or they may not be interested in you and they're trying to bore you enough that you'll stop talking to them. In either case, you can continue chatting, if you like, because it's either working, and you're getting a conversation going, or it's not, and you're punishing them for their stupid games of attempting to bore you, by boring them, instead, and being persistent. 

Someone  who is interested in you should be willing to talk to you, so, if you are struggling to keep a conversation going, it's very likely an indicator of a lack of interest on their part. Some guys and gals seem to think that they're being polite by replying to you, even if their responses are dull and one or two words long. If you just can't get them to say more than a few words, just give up. 

I'm pretty sure I've made a fool of myself on more than one occasion, where someone was somewhat okay at conversing, but when I later scrolled back through the messages, it was very apparent, in hindsight, that they weren't interested in talking. I was talking to them in full sentences, and even paragraphs and they were replying with just a few words, and always just answering questions without asking any of their own. Someone who is interested in you, even if they're only interested in friendship, or a hookup, will likely show some interest in talking to you. They'll at least ask you a few questions. 

Of course, there are always the super quick conversations which happen when someone just wants to get right to the point. They're asking about cock size, or asking you to sit on their face, or whatever. Those are an entirely different breed of conversation which I may have to get into at another time. Those people, though, aren't looking to talk. They're looking to negotiate some penetration, which is fine, as long as that's what you're interested in. But those conversations aren't going to be drawn out, nor interesting. There will be some exchanging of what you're into, some pics, and location information. That's about it. There's nothing wrong with that. Just, you know, have fun and be safe.

If someone else starts the conversation with you, all of the above still applies. But do be kind and don't waste people's time. If you're not interested in talking to the person, politely let them know. If you just don't have the balls or ovaries to reject them like that, then do them a favor and block them, or just ignore them. This sounds rude, but it's actually far, far less rude than engaging in a half-ass chit-chat where you'll bore them to death. Worse yet, they'll think that you're interested, and then be more hurt when you eventually stop replying, than they would have been if you'd never replied in the first place. Basically, what I'm saying is be considerate. Those people on the other end of the chat screen are real people and they deserve at least a base level of respect and human decency... Unless they're assholes. Then they can just fuck right the fuck off!