Online Dating Profile Do's and Don't's

If you ever happen to find my dating profile online, don't use it as an example of a perfect profile. I'm terrible at writing them because, well, if you've been reading my blog at all, you'll know that I'm rather verbose. I just can't fucking shut up. My profile ends up being way longer than it should be, and that's not a good thing. So, I'm afraid, in this instance, I do not practice what I preach. 

Now, what I'm about to go over is not really expert advice but more on the order of my own personal suggestions. I've read a lot of people's profiles over the years, and I've also critiqued people's profiles for them, and gave them suggestions for things which they could tweak to perhaps improve them. Whether or not it worked... Fuck if I know. All that matters is that I'm happy with it. Right? 

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So, let's see, what's a good format for this...? 

Do keep your profile short and sweet. 

Don't blather on incessantly, like I do, trying to make sure that you are absolutely clear in what you are trying to say. When people are reading online dating profiles, they're usually scanning through several of them in a short period of time. If yours is incredibly lengthy, they'll skim through the whole thing and not read much, if any of it. If you only write a few sentences in each section, they'll figure they have time to actually read it. This is a good thing. 

Do have plenty of quality profile photos. 

Don't use anything that's, say, more than six months old for your primary photo. For your other photos, if your profile is able to have others, try and keep most of them under a year old. If you have something from a particularly special occasion that was two years ago, go ahead and use it. If you can put captions under the photos, caption those fuckers so people know that they're a bit older. You don't want people thinking you're trying to put a fast one over on them. 

Don't have any photos of you with your exes, or with your cuddling up on someone of your preferred gender. It gives the impression that you're still with this person, or currently dating someone. 

Don't use any drunken photos. You don't want to look like a fucking drunk. I don't care how awesome that New Years party was. It's not a good image to project, even to another drunk. We all get drunk now and then, but our drunken moments aren't supposed to be our proudest moments. Hide your shame! 

Do use a few selfies and a few candid photos. 

Don't just use selfies. It makes it look like you don't have any friends. It also doesn't show anything more than your face, which kind of seems like you're trying to hide something. 

Do have a smile of some sort in every photo.

Do be honest. 

Don't try to hide shit. Fill out your profile completely. All of the stats should be filled out, including your age, height, and weight. I don't give a fuck that you don't like disclosing your weight, it matters to other people, so you're going to be honest about it, so that you can find someone who appreciates you for you. People use filters on some dating sites and apps, and can narrow down the search results by weight. Some people like thin people, and some like fat people. If you're thin, you want the people who like your body type to be able to find you, and if you're fat, you want them chubby chasers to be able to find you. They can't do that if you're not willing to proudly display your weight. And let's face it, you walk around all day long, out in public. We all know if someone is big or small. So hiding numbers doesn't really do anything except make someone ask you out, only to meet up with you and have that awkward moment where they realize you were lying on your profile.

Don't do super duper up-close photos of your face. That's a red flag that you're trying to hide that you're overweight. I don't care that you're overweight. Fucking own it, and flaunt it, dammit! Be proud of who you are! Stop trying to do crazy camera angles, and shit to make yourself look like someone you're not. You're just gonna make that first date really, really awkward. 

Do be positive and cheerful. 

Don't be all negative and gloomy on your profile. 

Don't list off your turn-offs AT ALL. That just looks tacky. I mean, you think it's helping you rule out undesirables, but it's also ruling out people who you might actually like. Like, if you list that you find smokers to be a big turn off, that person who smokes one cigarette a week might think you mean them, but maybe you'd actually be okay with them. Or maybe you mention that you hate fake tits, but then someone who had a double mastectomy sees that and doesn't contact you, and it never occurred to you that someone might get breast implants after a mastectomy. Your main concern was the vanity aspect of it. Well, too bad. You fucked up. 

Don't list off the races you're not attracted to. Now, this seems to be a bit controversial. To me, I don't think racial preferences are necessarily based in racism, though they can be. I think you can sometimes simply have stronger attractions to some races than others. But, when you list off that you do not like Asians or Mexicans or blacks, you seem racist, even if you aren't. So, it's better, instead, to list off all of the things that you do like. List off the races that get your motor running. Write it so that it doesn't sound like it's exclusive to them, but more of a preference. And do the same with any turn-ons you might have. Not sexual turn-ons, but what type of guy or gal you like. 

Don't just list physical attributes, either. Mention some personality traits as well. I realize that, if you list these things as preferences, rather than as being exclusive tastes, that you'll have to put up with more people contacting you. Please stand by while we unload our empty truckload of fucks to give about that. Seriously... if that's the most difficult thing in your life, your life is gravy.

Do be funny. Especially if you make some mention of being funny within your profile. I was helping some online friends recently by critiquing their OkCupid profiles. A couple of them mentioned in their profiles that they were very funny people, but there was no evidence of this, at all, in their profile. They were such dry, boring reads. So, either be funny in your profile, or don't mention that you're funny. 

Do be welcoming. 

Don't alienate. This one may not apply to everyone, but I'll provide an example for you which, again, comes from the profiles I was proofreading. One of the profiles I read adamantly mentioned how they refused to date a religious person. They didn't like religious people, etc., etc. On the surface this seems like it should be harmless, unless you're a religious person hoping to date this individual, whose profile you're reading. Here's how I explained it to this person who owned that profile, though: When I read that, even though I'm an atheist and know that I fit all of the listed criteria, I wonder how you'll get along with my friends and family. When I take you to Thanksgiving dinner, are you going to be starting a lot of arguments with my religious mom, or religious friends, or will you be able to get along with everyone? These are things I look for when reading a profile, and someone adamantly stating that they don't want anything to do with certain types of people, is likely going to be a handful.

Don't complain on your profile, at all, about anything. It makes your sound whiny and bitter. When you write things like, "No one on this site can carry on a conversation!" or "All anyone wants is sex! I'm not a whore!" you just seem like a whiny bitch. Shut up! You shouldn't even be online if you're that upset about this stuff. Also, don't fucking slut-shame. Just don't! Anyways, the message you send with this sort of thing is that you're all ready to pre-judge the person who is thinking about contacting you. Now they're worried what you're going to think of them. They're going to, in this case, feel pressured to carry on a conversation, and avoid any mention of sex. You've just ruined any chance of a natural conversational flow. You also don't want to mention that you just got dumped, or that you just dumped someone. If you do, expect that no one is going to want to be your rebound date. But plenty will want to be your rebound fuck. 

Don't tell people what they can and can't say in their initial message to you. It makes you sound like an asshole when you tell them, "Don't just say 'Hey' to me!" If you can't get a conversation going from that initial "Hey," then you're the problem. Work on that. You sound like a high maintenance bitch, whining about what people can and cannot say to you. 

Continuing along with the don't alienate line... don't demand that people be drug and disease free. In an ideal world, that's what you'll get. In the real world, when you demand that, you'll get lied to and told that that's what you're getting. It's best to assume everyone has some sort of sexually transmitted disease. When you start talking to someone about dating, or hooking up, whatever your intentions may be, you can ask them what their status is. It's best to leave this an open-ended question in order to help ensure that you get an honest answer. If you ask, "Are you negative?" they may say that they are, regardless of their actual status, just because they figure that's what you want to hear. But if you ask in a neutral way, they don't know what your status is, so, for all they know, you might be looking for a fellow HIV+ person, or you might be wanting to see if they are negative... Though, you never, ever know 100% if someone is negative. So, still, use protection, regardless. Which, actually, almost makes asking the question seem pointless. But, still, it's good to be aware of what's going on, and what your risk factors are. 

Hopefully this will help you somewhat. It might not. It might just be a god way to make your profile attract a guy like me. So, if you all change your profiles according to these suggestions, you'll all have me hitting you up shortly.