Like a Virgin... Hey!


I know, I know, I know, I already spoke on the topic of virginity. But that was anal virginity, which is a whole different subject from what I'm going to talk about here, so shut the fuck up, you judgemental shitbag!

Virginity is an odd idea to me. I hear it discussed now and then and what mostly strikes me as odd about it is where people draw the lines as to where virginity ends and their sexual awakening begins. The majority, it seems, feel as though there is a button deep inside of a woman's vagina which must be pressed by a penis which will deactivate someone's virginity, be it the male's or the female's. In a sense, aside from the button pressing part, that's accurate for some: It's accurate for straight people. The definition of virginity is one who has not had sexual intercourse. Presumably the penis in vagina variety. Well, that's one definition. And I find it way too narrow of one. 

Virginity also means "a person who is naive, innocent, or inexperienced, especially in a particular context." At least that's what Google just told me. Technically it told me the other definition too. This one was second, after the one about not having had sexual intercourse. I like this definition much better because, well, this is what comes to mind when I think of a virgin. I think of a wholly innocent person who has never touched another person in a sexual way, ever. 

Let's all think back for a moment, though. Most of us were kids once, and most of us had moments of some sort of sexual experimentation in our youth before we ever got to any sort of penis-in-vagina-style sex. I have my own story, which I rarely bring up because it involves a family member who is around my age, and some experimentation between the two of us, and we have never talked about it, ever. Healthy, right? For the longest time, I wondered if I dreamt it, but, at that age, I would not have had the knowledge to have dreamed that. I think I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, and quite oblivious to sex.

Many people with whom I've spoken have mentioned having boyfriends or girlfriends whom they've performed oral sex on, or who performed oral sex on them, prior to what they later claim was the loss of their virginity. 

A lot of people will have small moments, which may seem like nothing, individually, especially when compared to your adult life, which were probably a big deal to you back when you were a kid and learning about sex. Most of us have grown up in a very sexually repressed society, those of us who live in the United States, and sex is not only not always discussed, but sometimes frowned upon when brought up, even in the slightest. So the slightest peek into the adult world would be somewhat jolting. 

I remember sitting in a van with a friend of mine and some of his friends as we were all looking at some porn magazines that one of them had discovered somewhere. I think they were mostly of the Playboy type, so they were filled with naked women, which were of no interest to me. But the one I happened to grab had one page near the back that had a dude in it. I finally got to see a naked man! It seems telling, though, that such an innocuous moment would be stuck in my memory. Similarly, my mom had a Playgirl magazine that she got as a joke gift for one of her birthdays when I was in my teens. I was there when she got it and they, surprisingly, let me take a look at it. When we got home after the party the magazine was tossed in the junk drawer in the kitchen, of all places, where my mom forgot about it entirely. But I certainly didn't. 

Now, should a porn magazine be considered the loss of one's virginity? Eh... Here's the thing. I don't really think there is a moment where virginity is lost. I don't think there's a point in time where you can say right there is where I lost my virginity. Not if we're going by the loss of innocence, or lack of experience, definition. I think, instead, that the loss of virginity might be more of a process that typically happens over the course of our adolescence. 

The problem with most people's definition of the loss of virginity is that it is strictly limited to penis in vagina sex. It dismisses oral sex, anal sex, and, well, actually, mutual masturbation completely. For people who are not straight, penis in vagina sex is not an option we're willing to choose, so many of us consider anal or oral sex as the loss of our virginity. A few people only view penetrative sex as worthy of being counted. But that leaves all lesbians as virgins for their entire lives, unless they want to lose their virginity to a dildo, or strap on. And then, if they can lose theirs to a dildo or strap on, then why can't anyone else?

My belief was always, "if it has the word 'sex' in it - vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex - then it's sex, and it counts." But now I'm thinking there's more to it. I talk to people online who are considered virgins who probably know a good deal about sex, but have just never experienced it first-hand. They aren't innocent, by any means. And they may have performed oral sex, or had it performed on them. They may have masturbated with friends, or had a girlfriend jerk them off. Those are experiences and I think they count. 

The real question though, is: Why does it matter? A friend online posted an article which, for the most part, showed a huge disdain for the idea of virginity, as if it was "a thing" rather than a lack of knowledge and experience. It was brought up in the article that it was a misogynistic concept (virginity) which I had never thought of, but it does make sense. A girl who maintains her virginity is considered good, while a guy who does, is a loser. Conversely, a girl who loses hers is a slut, and a guy who loses his is a stud. In that sense, I see their point. But since I never viewed virginity that way, I didn't have that disdain for it. It was also expressed in the article that it was very heteronormative since the loss of virginity is always considered to be penis in vagina sex, but I think that's just a matter of educating people on diversity. 

I don't think virginity is really a thing. Not something which has a solid end, anyway. It's basically a word that sort of synonymous with childhood, or youth, or adolescence, or lacking experience. Its beginning is your birth and it starts to fade as you learn about sex and start to experience things.

Which brings me to another point. We put such importance on virginity that we've given it a name. Why? It's the default. It's a lacking of experiences and knowledge. Why does it need a name. What sort of puritanical, chaste society puts such value on a lack of sexual experience that they give it a name? Ours does. We don't really have a term for someone who has had sex. We do have one meant to shame those who have lots of sex: slut. 

How about we do away with the concept of virginity? Why don't we stop obsessing about asking people when they lost theirs? Maybe kids in school can stop pressuring each other to "just do it and get it over with" once no one gives a shit. I mean, no one asks you when was the first time you took your first step, or your first kiss, your first word, your first boyfriend or girlfriend. No one asks you about the first time you shook someone's hand, or when was the first time you dressed yourself. But people often ask when you lost your virginity.

We're obsessed with keeping kids pure. Then we break free of childhood and we obsess about sex. Let's just let things happen naturally and stop worrying about it, and stop trying to pin-point down to a specific act which is defined differently depending on to whom you're talking.