Advice to Grindr (and Other App) Users: A Ranting Essay

I originally wrote the below essay for a group on Facebook, but the group's admin, a whiny young man with a short attention span, thought it was boring. After showing what I had written to a few other friends who enjoyed it, I re-posted it to my own Tumblr... and now to here. Enjoy... or don't.

If, when you use Grindr, you have conversations in which the amount of effort you put into it is one-word replies, you’re not going to make any friends, assuming friends are even what you are seeking. Hell, even if you’re looking for something other than friends, you’re not going to get it. So, either put some effort in, or put zero in, and just stop talking altogether.

If you’re looking for romantic dates, steer away from using shirtless, headless torso profile pics. That’s not sending a message of “I’m looking for dates,” that’s sending a message of “fuck me.” If you’re claiming you’re looking for friends, don’t mention how you’re a bottom. Your friends don’t care if you’re a bottom. Furthermore, claiming you’re looking for friends and then not replying to people shows you aren’t actually looking for friends. So, basically, why not just be honest about what your real intentions are?

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Stop being a dick to people just because they’ve said “hi” to you and you aren’t attracted to them. They didn’t do anything wrong to you. Politely say that you aren’t interested. Also, stop trolling. You get a quick giggle out of it, and the other person’s self-esteem goes in the toilet for a week, and they feel like shit. In the end, you’re an asshole. Also… you’re not that hard to find on Facebook. I’ve been the victim of this trolling and I’ve spotted many of the trolls on Facebook. They come up as suggested friends. You know, because the gayborhood is kind of small, and Grindr is sort of location-based, so you’re bound to show up at some point. Keep that in mind.

Stop writing on your profile what people can and can’t say to you. If you tell people not to say “sup” to you, it just shows that you’re just as incapable of having a conversation as they are. If someone says “sup” to me, I can get a full conversation going in just a few messages. It’s not that hard. But, if you’re super picky about how people contact you, even if I’m rather verbose, I’m not going to message you, because you seem high-maintenance and bitchy.

What, exactly, do you expect people to say to you in a first message, considering all they have to go on is a tiny bit of stats and a paragraph of an About Me section, anyway? “I really like the color of the paint on the wall behind you in your profile pic.”

If I send a greeting to you and you reply just to be polite but then ignore every other message. You’ve just deferred your rudeness. I’m not sure how just replying to the one message is somehow considered polite, if you’re going to ignore everything else. If you’re not interested, either say so, don’t reply at all, or block me. 

Don’t lead people on. We’ve all been guilty of it. We need to stop that shit, though. 

Fill out your profile completely. Your missing info means you’re either lazy or you’re hiding something. Typically larger guys hide their weight. So it’s pretty obvious, when your weight is missing, that you’re trying to hide your weight, which means you’re trying to be misleading. That’s not cool. Look, I’m a larger guy and it says my weight right on my profile. There are guys who like larger guys. I might as well make it easier for them to find me. Right? And if you don’t like larger guys, I’d rather that be figured out before we meet one another. It saves us from an uncomfortable, awkward meeting. Missing age means you’re older than the average user or underage. It may not always mean that, but that’s the message it sends, especially if that’s the only thing that’s missing in your stats.

Stop refusing to share your face photo. Just get off the damn app if you aren’t ready to come out. You aren’t ready to socialize if you can’t take the bag off of your head. Stop posting pictures of scenery, the wall, your car, or the ceiling, to try to bypass people’s filter settings, too. You’re a dick. Post a photo of yourself. You’re there to meet people, so make an effort, unless you’re just a pic-collector…

Speaking of pic collectors. If you want a picture of someone’s anatomy, you should offer to send some before asking for any. If you don’t have any, don’t ask for any. Ask the person if they want to trade pics; if they say, “Sure,” send them a few of your pics and wait for theirs. Call it Grindr Etiquette. By the way, if you initiate a conversation by sending a picture of your dick, you might make someone (along with everyone who is with them) laugh at it. It’s bad form. It also rarely works. Unless you happen to hit the jackpot and send it to just the right person who also just so happens to be just as mind-numbingly horny as you, it’s going to fail. 

If someone doesn’t reply to your message right away, consider that they may be busy, driving, working, eating, with family, or the app may have closed and they aren’t getting notifications. Don’t throw a shit-fit when the person doesn’t reply within seconds. 

Stop pretending like you are unaware that Grindr is used as a hookup app and getting disgusted by people making advances at you. Grindr is referred to as a hookup app in every article ever written about it. Yes, some people do use it in other ways, but they are in the minority. I have made friends using it, and I have done “other things” using it. I have had guys flip out on me when I misunderstood something they said as being an indicator that they were looking to hookup. It’s fine if that’s not what you’re looking for, but to be oblivious to its typical use is naive. Furthermore, when one can look at your profile and see there’s every indication that you know exactly what the app is commonly used for, you lose all rights to get indignant to sexual advances. Just decline the offers. I know it’s rough being young and cute, and having an onslaught of messages every day, but, trust me, you won’t have that forever. Enjoy it while it lasts.

You should also learn how to accept a tactful “No, thanks. I’m not interested,” with grace. Thank the guy for being kind enough to let you know, and for not wasting your time. Don’t get pissy with him. Don’t snap at him. He doesn’t owe you a fucking thing. Hell, he didn’t even need to do that much. So, thank him. Or just move on. He’s not really expecting a thank you, anyway.

Lastly, quit bitching about femmes. You sound like an insecure twat. If you see a message from someone you’re not attracted to, just don’t reply. You don’t need to insult every feminine guy out there by fending off all femme guys with a disclaimer in your profile just because you have some weird issues about masculinity. You’re a cock sucker. Act like it. We’re all part of the same community, so stop blanket insulting entire segments of the community!